A Parallel Between Manifest Destiny and Hotel California

Today's Guest Columnist Topic:
"You'll Find Me with the Goldfish"

By Anonymous Squirrel, New England

Fall was approaching and it was getting cold in New England. I came across a house with cedar siding and found myself a little hole to crawl into. As luck would have it, my kids found me and crawled in, too. Being of the New England pioneering squirrel spirit, we decided that Manifest Destiny was ours, and spread out into the walls and ceilings of the house.

We lived there happily for a day or two until strange things started happening. We heard a lot of barking coming from within the house. We noticed that as we ran along the walls, the barking followed us. Next came the guy in a uniform who plugged our entrance hole with caulk. That dog had dropped the dime on us.

I comforted my babies as we searched desperately for an escape. We were hungry and tired, but we knew we could never quit. Softly, we hummed an old spiritual that our fore-squirrels hummed as they fought for independence in the war against the red tail hawks.

I scratched my last will and testament into a support beam, leaving all of my acorns to my favorite nephew. Then I saw a bright light. Oh, the end was near! I told myself to be brave and strong for my children, in this, our final hour. Then one baby jumped into the light. Oh, the despair! I walked to his jumping spot, expecting to find his tender fluffy body lying motionless while his soul drifted toward squirrel heaven. But, he was on the floor in the foyer of the house, eating goldfish crackers. He had found the escape! Our salvation was here!

Moral of the story: Stay away from shelters that have that Hotel California feel – you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.

Note to house owner: Sorry about the wires in the attic. And next time, how about a little water with the goldfish crackers?


Anonymous Squirrel, New England - I enjoy hanging upside down from ceilings as I scout out my surroundings.

It seems the Whisker Gifters Blog is becoming the place for squirrel contributors. If there are any groundhogs, picas or common marmosets wishing to contribute, please do so.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule

1. Wednesday, July 15: Baron requests a retention bonus from AIG
2. Thursday, July 16: Jester opines about a topic yet to be determined
   

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.

Confessions of a Formerly Feral Feline

WARNING: RATED NC-S
CONTAINS MATERIAL NOT SUITED FOR SQUIRRELS

Today's Guest Columnist Topic:
"Confessions of a Formerly Feral Feline"

By Minnie M., Tampa, FL

Before, I was one of about a dozen cats hanging out at a house in the cul-de-sac. The old couple living there fed us and had us all neutered/spayed. It was an OK place to live, but too crowded. I had issues with the Siamese. I moved on to the house three doors away.

Flipper was an old cat there who was very sick. We spoke through the patio screen. He asked me to stay with his humans after he was gone. So I did. It took me awhile to learn to trust them. Every day they put out some pretty decent cat chow. I got closer and closer. Eventually, I let them touch me. I found out that being petted is great – especially the scratch under the chin!

Recently, I've been coming inside every night. I watch a little TV, (usually a reality show or an old movie) fall asleep on the couch and then move on to the bed around 10 pm. I miss the occasional squirrel I used to eat, but now I'm addicted to Fancy Feast Trout canned food. I'm grateful for the flea treatment I get once a month. They bought me a brush (love it!) and a stuffed bird (hate it!). Real birds are so much better as toys don't you think?

I still prefer to be outside, even though I have to share space under the deck with a stupid possum family. Sometimes I fall off the wagon and drink out of the pool. Overall, I recommend the domesticated life.


Minnie M., Tampa, FL - My hobbies are squirrel hunting, napping in the mulch and begging for canned food.

Editor's Note: It is not the editorial policy of this blog to censor guest columnists. Our intention is simply to expose our readers to a variety of viewpoints to which they may not have access by other means. Sometimes, those viewpoints may differ from our own. Therefore, while we respect her choices as a free feline, we neither condone nor support Minnie M.'s "occasional squirrel" as a food choice or her penchant for "squirrel hunting". Our sincere apologizies to Lucky E., our guest columnist of June 29, for any mental anguish this article may have caused.

Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule

1. Tuesday, July 7: Kumba W., Springfield, MA discusses the power of naming and renames everyone in her family

If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.