Today's Guest Columnist Topic:
"You Named Us. Now It's Our Turn"
By Kumba W., Springfield, MA
We were out on a walk the other day and I came across a couple of friends. There was Pouncer, the Doberman/shepherd mix and Bruno, the cocker spaniel. It got me thinking – what’s with these names that humans give us? From what legal treatise do they derive the right and power to give us names that others mock? My humans named me Kumba. Sure, kinda cute. Whatever. If I had a rawhide for every time I heard someone sing, “Cumbayah.”
So, I was thinking that we should all band together and name our humans. I’ll go first, since it’s my idea. For my big male human, I want a name that truly reflects how special he is to me. He walks me, feeds me, and sometimes let’s me sneak into the big bed. Yet there is one thing about him that really sets him apart from any other human. He seems utterly incapable of watching where he walks. How exactly does he not see my 65 pound black body sprawled across the white tile floor? Hard to miss, I’m sure. Sometimes he gets the paw, sometimes he gets the tail. One day he got the ear. That was a bad day for all of us. I’m going to name him, “Watch where you’re going.”
Then there’s the female human. She’s pretty good to me, but she thinks she’s a dog whisperer. I humor her because she keeps one hand in the treat jar. Total push over. . The only problem with her is in the morning. I can be sitting at the door, bladder overflowing, screaming to go outside, but if she hasn’t had her coffee yet, forget it. Her response to my screaming? She fills my water bowl. Brilliant. And that’s what I’d name her – “Brilliant.”
Next there’s one of those younger humans. He’s pretty cool. The only problem with him is that he feels compelled to cover me with blankets and tuck me in when I’m sleeping on the couch. In August. When it’s 95 degrees. Hello? Can you not see my thick coat of black fur? Or perhaps you somehow overlooked that I’m panting so hard my tongue is hanging 12 inches out of my mouth? I’d name him “Blanket Boy.”
Finally, there’s the smallest human in my house. He’s very gentle and has never even pulled my tail or an ear. Seems pretty sweet. But can someone tell me why it is nearly impossible for him to look before he sits down? How many times have I been peacefully napping, dreaming of 3 foot long bully sticks and a nice rabbit to chase when Bam! The kid sits on my paw. Or my tail. Once he got my head. Pretty sure he’d not appreciate my butt on his head. He’s clearly related to that big human I’ve named “Watch where you’re going.” I’m going to name this little one “Watch where you’re sitting.”
So, I feel better. Now it’s your turn. What would you name your humans?
That’s all I have time for today. I’ve got to shut down this computer, drink from the toilet, eat the tissue out of the garbage can, and pee on the rug before my humans get home.
All for now. Thanks for reading my Dog Blog.
Kumba W., who should have been named Cher, enjoys wearing blue contacts because they bring out the sheen in her black fur.Editor's Note: Full disclosure. Kumba W. is the cousin of June 24 guest columnist Sheppy J.
Kumba, we can't thank you enough for your column today. I'm sure most of us have been wondering how in the world our humans come up with the names they do. Now that the shoe is on the other foot, maybe they'll put a little more thought into it.
So, feline and canine readers. What would you name your humans? Let us know.
Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule- Wednesday, July 8: Eddy S., Chicago, IL gets his caffeine buzz on
- Thursday, July 9: Anonymous Squirrel, New England, draws a parallel between Manifest Destiny and Hotel California
- Friday, July 10: Mr. Pepper Man, Tampa, FL discusses technological advances in "the cone of shame"
If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at
jester@whiskergifters.com.
