For those of you interested in keeping your pet and your landlord on good terms, we're here to help. We've given countless humans advice on how to instruct their pets in the proper methods of behavior toward landlords. Landlords are not that difficult to figure out, but you do need to prepare your pet in order for him to put his best paw forward.
When talking to your pet about your landlord, and your landlord about your pet, it’s important for you to realize that your job is to act as facilitator. You cannot change your pet’s actions or your landlord’s attitudes. Your role is simply to negotiate a living arrangement that works for all of you.
Do not resort to threatening your pet with phrases like, “We’ll be homeless if you bring another dead mouse into this apartment” or “If you don’t stop barking I’ll really give you something to bark about.” It’s best to just sit down with your pet and calmly, yet firmly, explain the importance of the situation with him. Herewith, then, are three suggestions on bringing your pet and landlord closer together.
1) Have Your Pet Invite Your Landlord to Dinner
By hosting a dinner for your landlord, your pet will have the opportunity to prove that he is a responsible tenant. Over a glass of wine or appetizers, try to steer the conversation toward topics your pet can speak intelligently about, such as the benefits of a raw food diet, organic toys or bully sticks. Make sure that throughout the course of the evening he lets your landlord know that he will try not to make noise that disturbs other tenants. He should also respond to any concerns your landlord may have about the potential for damage.
2) Have Your Pet Send Your Landlord a Gift
Having your pet send a small gift such as a bottle of wine or a gift basket will keep him first and foremost in your landlord’s mind when it comes to lease renewal. Depending on your pet’s maturity level and income bracket, it’s up to you whether or not you let him select the gift to be sent.
3) Have Your Pet Pay for Your Landlord’s Child’s College Education
You and your pet need only resort to this option if your pet has committed a seriously destructive offense against the apartment.
Follow these simple suggestions and your landlord may want your pet to stay in the apartment even if you move.
Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
How To Save Money on Cat Food
By Jester
(I first published this article on Helium.com.)
Humans and cats have disagreed for decades on the best ways to save money on cat food. Humans have historically answered this question by focusing on feeding cats less. Cats have wondered why their humans don’t get second jobs in order to continue feeding them in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed. Some snarkier cats I know have been known to say, “Well, why not just toss me a saltine and bowl of water? That’ll really save some dough.”
I believe it’s time for us to sit at the negotiating table with our humans and prove to them that it’s less expensive and less work to eat cat food than it is to eat human food.
Let’s sort through the issues logically and systematically, shall we?
1) The Cost of Cat Food vs. the Cost of Human Food
I’m not an accountant, but it seems to me that a can of cat food, even really yummy, healthy food like a 5.5 oz can of Weruva Marbella Paella, when purchased by the case, is only a whisker more than a 5.0 oz can of tuna (solid white, packed in water) for humans. By the time you add three tablespoons of mayo, two slices of bread, a piece of lettuce, a slice of tomato, some chips, a pickle, a cupcake, a napkin and the dish soap to wash the plate, it is more expensive to eat tuna than it is cat food.
Score: Cat Food 1 – Human Food 0
2) A Cat’s Shopping Cart vs. A Human’s Shopping Cart
Cats are obligate carnivores. That means we get everything we need from meat. Oh, you should throw us a bone every now and then so we can get a little calcium, but you don’t need to put anything else in a our shopping cart. What’s in a human’s shopping cart? A can of tuna, a jar of mayo, a loaf of bread, a head of lettuce, a tomato, a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins, 12 cupcakes and a bottle of dishwashing liquid. Try carrying all that to the car in the rain. (For the purposes of this article, we are not adding litter or toilet paper to either cart.)
Score: Cat Food 2 – Human Food 0
3) Preparation of Cat Food vs. Preparation of Human Food
It’s a well-known fact within the cat community that cat food companies conspire against us by continuing to package their food in cans. As we do not have opposable thumbs, it is impossible for us to use a can opener. We’ve made some strides toward can equality with the flip top can, but it’s not enough. We remain beholden to those with thumbs to feed us. But I digress. When you consider how long it takes to open a can of tuna, mix it with three tablespoons of mayo, toast two slices of bread, wash and chop a head of lettuce and a tomato, open a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins and the cupcakes before squirting the dishwashing liquid into the sink, it’s easier to serve cat food.
Score: Cat Food 3 – Human Food 0
Conclusion
The above points prove that the question is not how to save money on cat food. It is how to save time and money on human food. Clearly, the answer is to buy more cat food and feed it to the whole family.
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.
(I first published this article on Helium.com.)
Humans and cats have disagreed for decades on the best ways to save money on cat food. Humans have historically answered this question by focusing on feeding cats less. Cats have wondered why their humans don’t get second jobs in order to continue feeding them in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed. Some snarkier cats I know have been known to say, “Well, why not just toss me a saltine and bowl of water? That’ll really save some dough.”
I believe it’s time for us to sit at the negotiating table with our humans and prove to them that it’s less expensive and less work to eat cat food than it is to eat human food.
Let’s sort through the issues logically and systematically, shall we?
1) The Cost of Cat Food vs. the Cost of Human Food
I’m not an accountant, but it seems to me that a can of cat food, even really yummy, healthy food like a 5.5 oz can of Weruva Marbella Paella, when purchased by the case, is only a whisker more than a 5.0 oz can of tuna (solid white, packed in water) for humans. By the time you add three tablespoons of mayo, two slices of bread, a piece of lettuce, a slice of tomato, some chips, a pickle, a cupcake, a napkin and the dish soap to wash the plate, it is more expensive to eat tuna than it is cat food.
Score: Cat Food 1 – Human Food 0
2) A Cat’s Shopping Cart vs. A Human’s Shopping Cart
Cats are obligate carnivores. That means we get everything we need from meat. Oh, you should throw us a bone every now and then so we can get a little calcium, but you don’t need to put anything else in a our shopping cart. What’s in a human’s shopping cart? A can of tuna, a jar of mayo, a loaf of bread, a head of lettuce, a tomato, a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins, 12 cupcakes and a bottle of dishwashing liquid. Try carrying all that to the car in the rain. (For the purposes of this article, we are not adding litter or toilet paper to either cart.)
Score: Cat Food 2 – Human Food 0
3) Preparation of Cat Food vs. Preparation of Human Food
It’s a well-known fact within the cat community that cat food companies conspire against us by continuing to package their food in cans. As we do not have opposable thumbs, it is impossible for us to use a can opener. We’ve made some strides toward can equality with the flip top can, but it’s not enough. We remain beholden to those with thumbs to feed us. But I digress. When you consider how long it takes to open a can of tuna, mix it with three tablespoons of mayo, toast two slices of bread, wash and chop a head of lettuce and a tomato, open a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins and the cupcakes before squirting the dishwashing liquid into the sink, it’s easier to serve cat food.
Score: Cat Food 3 – Human Food 0
Conclusion
The above points prove that the question is not how to save money on cat food. It is how to save time and money on human food. Clearly, the answer is to buy more cat food and feed it to the whole family.
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
If you'd like to become a guest columnist, send your article to jester at jester@whiskergifters.com.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Baron Requests a Retention Bonus from AIG
Dear Sirs at AIG in Charge of Retention Bonuses,
I respectfully request a retention bonus of $1,000,000. My qualifications for the retention bonus are as follows:
Sincerely,
Baron
Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule
I respectfully request a retention bonus of $1,000,000. My qualifications for the retention bonus are as follows:
- Over the years, I have retained water many times
- One of the kids in my family used to wear a retainer
- Even at my advanced age, I am able to jump over (small) retaining walls
- After paying my bills, I have no retained earnings
- I know some dogs who are anal retentive
Whisker GiftersIf my check is sent by a method for which a signature is required, please make sure it is delivered between 10:00 a.m. and 1:00 p.m., as I leave for lunch at 1:00 p.m. on the dot.
24 Main St., 2nd Floor
Port Washington, NY 11050
Sincerely,
Baron
Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule
- Thursday, July 16: Jester opines about a topic yet to be determined
Monday, July 13, 2009
A Parallel Between Manifest Destiny and Hotel California
Today's Guest Columnist Topic:
"You'll Find Me with the Goldfish"
By Anonymous Squirrel, New England
Fall was approaching and it was getting cold in New England. I came across a house with cedar siding and found myself a little hole to crawl into. As luck would have it, my kids found me and crawled in, too. Being of the New England pioneering squirrel spirit, we decided that Manifest Destiny was ours, and spread out into the walls and ceilings of the house.
We lived there happily for a day or two until strange things started happening. We heard a lot of barking coming from within the house. We noticed that as we ran along the walls, the barking followed us. Next came the guy in a uniform who plugged our entrance hole with caulk. That dog had dropped the dime on us.
I comforted my babies as we searched desperately for an escape. We were hungry and tired, but we knew we could never quit. Softly, we hummed an old spiritual that our fore-squirrels hummed as they fought for independence in the war against the red tail hawks.
I scratched my last will and testament into a support beam, leaving all of my acorns to my favorite nephew. Then I saw a bright light. Oh, the end was near! I told myself to be brave and strong for my children, in this, our final hour. Then one baby jumped into the light. Oh, the despair! I walked to his jumping spot, expecting to find his tender fluffy body lying motionless while his soul drifted toward squirrel heaven. But, he was on the floor in the foyer of the house, eating goldfish crackers. He had found the escape! Our salvation was here!
Moral of the story: Stay away from shelters that have that Hotel California feel – you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.
Note to house owner: Sorry about the wires in the attic. And next time, how about a little water with the goldfish crackers?
Anonymous Squirrel, New England - I enjoy hanging upside down from ceilings as I scout out my surroundings.
It seems the Whisker Gifters Blog is becoming the place for squirrel contributors. If there are any groundhogs, picas or common marmosets wishing to contribute, please do so.
Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule
"You'll Find Me with the Goldfish"
By Anonymous Squirrel, New England
Fall was approaching and it was getting cold in New England. I came across a house with cedar siding and found myself a little hole to crawl into. As luck would have it, my kids found me and crawled in, too. Being of the New England pioneering squirrel spirit, we decided that Manifest Destiny was ours, and spread out into the walls and ceilings of the house.
We lived there happily for a day or two until strange things started happening. We heard a lot of barking coming from within the house. We noticed that as we ran along the walls, the barking followed us. Next came the guy in a uniform who plugged our entrance hole with caulk. That dog had dropped the dime on us.
I comforted my babies as we searched desperately for an escape. We were hungry and tired, but we knew we could never quit. Softly, we hummed an old spiritual that our fore-squirrels hummed as they fought for independence in the war against the red tail hawks.
I scratched my last will and testament into a support beam, leaving all of my acorns to my favorite nephew. Then I saw a bright light. Oh, the end was near! I told myself to be brave and strong for my children, in this, our final hour. Then one baby jumped into the light. Oh, the despair! I walked to his jumping spot, expecting to find his tender fluffy body lying motionless while his soul drifted toward squirrel heaven. But, he was on the floor in the foyer of the house, eating goldfish crackers. He had found the escape! Our salvation was here!
Moral of the story: Stay away from shelters that have that Hotel California feel – you can check out any time you like but you can never leave.
Note to house owner: Sorry about the wires in the attic. And next time, how about a little water with the goldfish crackers?
Anonymous Squirrel, New England - I enjoy hanging upside down from ceilings as I scout out my surroundings.
It seems the Whisker Gifters Blog is becoming the place for squirrel contributors. If there are any groundhogs, picas or common marmosets wishing to contribute, please do so.
Sincerely,
Baron, Director of Dog Stuff
Jester, Director of Cat Stuff
Upcoming Guest Columnist Schedule
- Wednesday, July 15: Baron requests a retention bonus from AIG
- Thursday, July 16: Jester opines about a topic yet to be determined
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