How To Save Money on Cat Food

By Jester
(I first published this article on Helium.com.)

Humans and cats have disagreed for decades on the best ways to save money on cat food. Humans have historically answered this question by focusing on feeding cats less. Cats have wondered why their humans don’t get second jobs in order to continue feeding them in the manner to which they’ve become accustomed. Some snarkier cats I know have been known to say, “Well, why not just toss me a saltine and bowl of water? That’ll really save some dough.”

I believe it’s time for us to sit at the negotiating table with our humans and prove to them that it’s less expensive and less work to eat cat food than it is to eat human food.

Let’s sort through the issues logically and systematically, shall we?

1) The Cost of Cat Food vs. the Cost of Human Food
I’m not an accountant, but it seems to me that a can of cat food, even really yummy, healthy food like a 5.5 oz can of Weruva Marbella Paella, when purchased by the case, is only a whisker more than a 5.0 oz can of tuna (solid white, packed in water) for humans. By the time you add three tablespoons of mayo, two slices of bread, a piece of lettuce, a slice of tomato, some chips, a pickle, a cupcake, a napkin and the dish soap to wash the plate, it is more expensive to eat tuna than it is cat food.

Score: Cat Food 1 – Human Food 0

2) A Cat’s Shopping Cart vs. A Human’s Shopping Cart
Cats are obligate carnivores. That means we get everything we need from meat. Oh, you should throw us a bone every now and then so we can get a little calcium, but you don’t need to put anything else in a our shopping cart. What’s in a human’s shopping cart? A can of tuna, a jar of mayo, a loaf of bread, a head of lettuce, a tomato, a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins, 12 cupcakes and a bottle of dishwashing liquid. Try carrying all that to the car in the rain. (For the purposes of this article, we are not adding litter or toilet paper to either cart.)

Score: Cat Food 2 – Human Food 0

3) Preparation of Cat Food vs. Preparation of Human Food
It’s a well-known fact within the cat community that cat food companies conspire against us by continuing to package their food in cans. As we do not have opposable thumbs, it is impossible for us to use a can opener. We’ve made some strides toward can equality with the flip top can, but it’s not enough. We remain beholden to those with thumbs to feed us. But I digress. When you consider how long it takes to open a can of tuna, mix it with three tablespoons of mayo, toast two slices of bread, wash and chop a head of lettuce and a tomato, open a bag of chips, a jar of pickles, a package of napkins and the cupcakes before squirting the dishwashing liquid into the sink, it’s easier to serve cat food.

Score: Cat Food 3 – Human Food 0

Conclusion
The above points prove that the question is not how to save money on cat food. It is how to save time and money on human food. Clearly, the answer is to buy more cat food and feed it to the whole family.

Jester, Director of Cat Stuff

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